Stupid Super Tricks
by Sorakage Sama
Summary: These are the less known adventures of the Heroes and villains of the DC universe. Chapter 9: In which Kyle Rayner figures out how to unite all the lantern corps, just not the way everyone expected...
1. Chapter 1: Learn not to love by loving

**This latest brainchild was concocted with the help of my good friend SwordMasterZ**.

"I can't believe this! Carol Jordan nee Ferris snarled pacing back and forth in front of her husband.

Just because the man didn't feel fear (most of the time) didn't mean he was stupid.

"You slept with Helena AND Lady Blackhawk? It's official, my husband is a manwhore." she groaned.

"No offense, but you should have figured this out a long time ago." Wally West chirped happily.

"It's true. He's gone after anything in a skirt since he was fifteen years old." his younger brother chimed in.

"If it wasn't for the fact that most of the women in the league could turn him into a human pretzel, he'd have probably have even more notches on his bed post by now." Barry Allen nodded.

"Why are you three here again?" the Green Lantern growled.

"We're enjoying your misery." Jim smiled.

"Schadenfreude at its finest!" Barry beamed.

"I'm just here for the floor show." Wally added.

"I think an abject lesson is needed.._.For Hearts Long Lost. And Full of Fright. For Those Alone In Blackest Night. Accept Our Ring and Join Our Fight... Love Conquers All... With Violet Light!_" Star Sapphire chanted as her ring began to glow even more brightly than normal.

* * *

><p>Several days later...<p>

General Stone was in the middle of a typical day: Get up, shower, get dressed, eat, buy a industrial sized jug of Tylenol (just in case that air jockey Hal Jordan did something stupid…again), go to Edwards Air force base to drum of knowledge into the jughead recruits.

That routine was disrupted a few hours later with a single phone call.

RIIIIIIIING!

RIIIIIIIING!

RIIIIIIIING!

RIIIIIIIING!

"Hello? General Stone speaking." He said shortly.

"_Hello…this is Jim Jordan…Hal's younger brother."_

"What can I do for you?"

"_Erm…this might seem kind of strange, but Hal's going to have to take a short leave of absence from the military for the next couple of weeks."_

"Why." The general grunted.

"_Er…he's having gender issues, sir."_ His brother replied weakly.

"_You're damn right I'm having issues!"_ a voice said from the other end of the line.

"_Hailey…er Hal! Put down the golf club construct! How can you make those things anyway?-! The pink rings can't make constructs like that! ACK! DUCK AND COVER!"_ another voice squawked as the sound of breaking furniture could be heard.

"Could you go into a little more detail, just out of morbid curiosity?" the general groaned.

"Well, Hal's wife, Carol, found out about one of his sexual escapades while they were separated, the one with Lady Blackhawk and Huntress…at the same time, and said that she would teach him to be a little **less** loving toward other women." Jim replied weakly.

"_And I'll do it by whatever means necessary!"_ the voice of Carol Jordan nee Ferris cackled from the other end of the line.

"And she did this how?" the general replied, although he was dreading the answer.

"_She forced a star sapphire ring onto his finger. It gender bent Hal into Hailey_." Jim said.

"_I'll get you all for this! Eat laser guided homing sharks!"_ the irate female voice roared.

"_Are you pondering what I'm pondering Wally?" _A second voice gulped.

"_I think I am Uncle Barry: RUN AWAY!"_ A third yelped.

"_And now 'Hailey' is not only experiencing the joy of womanhood, but taking it out on us .Oh Jeeze! Just a second, please?"_

General Stone heard the sound of retreating footsteps.

"_Hal Jordan! Put that down right now! That was Mom's favorite Ming…." _His younger brother bellowed.

_CRACK!_

"_Look at the purty birdies…" _the general heard Jim slur seconds later after what sounded like a vase beaning him on the head was heard.

Seconds passed.

_"Hello? Is anyone there?"_ the voice of Hal's wife said tentatively from the other end of the line.

"Mrs. Jordan nee Ferris I presume?" the General asked dryly.

_"Yes sir."_ She replied.

"After a bit of thought, I've decided to give Ms./Mr. Jordan as much leave as he needs. Just keep him/her away from Edwards until he/she calms down." The pilot's superior officer said.

_"Thank you sir. Thank you very…HAL! WATCH THE HANDS"_ she yelped.

"_Carol have I ever told you how hot you are when you get angry?"_ the purring voice of 'Hailey' Jordan said.

"_And that would be the love love effect of the star sapphire rings kicking in." _Barry Allen replied dryly.

"_Indeed it is, what I wouldn't give for some popcorn."_ Wally West replied cheerfully as happy moans reached the general's ears before he hung up the phone.

"Mental note, buy **two** industrial sized jugs of Tylenol." The general muttered, looking toward the heavens.

**Remember folks, read, review, and check out the challenges on my profile page**.


	2. Chapter 2: Cabin Fever!

**"And here's the first edition of the fic formerly known as Learn not to love by Loving!..." I orate.**

**"I want a word with you!"**** my irate muse snarls as she steps out from behind the curtain.**

**"What's wrong?" I ask innocently.**

**"This! This is what's wrong!" she snaps, waving the script in my face.**

**""What? Don't you like my portrayal of you?"**

**"No! Because there isn't any! I have one line! No one cuts in on my screen time! Not even Superman!" the meta magi growled.**

**"Erm...I'll get back to you in a second folks. In the meantime, enjoy the fic! And for the record, I don't own this! So don't sue!" I blanch, dodging a spell bolt.  
><strong>

Chapter 2: Cabin Fever!

Boredom had set in. It had been over a week since the last world crisis, and the members of Justice League of America found themselves in the unique position of having nothing to do.

"I'm bored to tears!" Flash whined.

"What do you want me to do about it?" Batman snapped back irritably. The Bat momentarily wondered what the joker was doing at that moment.

"Damned if I know. I was just trying to make conversation." The speedster shrugged.

"What about you Superman?" John Stewart asked.

"There's nothing for me to do either. The Planet's closed for the week due to an infestation.

"Roaches?" the Lantern blinked.

"Worse: rat warriors from dimension Q." the man of steel snorted.

"Rat warriors…on second thought, I don't want to know." Hawkgirl rolled her eyes.

Suddenly, Wonder woman's foot twitched. She stomped on the jerking limb and shot her team mates a disarming smile.

Aquaman blanched as he leaped out of his seat, his arms and legs flailing. The other league members looked on in alarm as Vixen and Green Arrow soon followed suit and linked arms with him.

_"I got cabin fever it's burning in my brain!"_ the trio sang as steam poured out of their ears.

_"I've got cabin fever…and it's driving me insane!"_ Superman belted out.

_"We got cabin fever, we're flipping our bandanas!"_ Vigilante, The Crimson avenger, and Shining knight giggled as they can-canned across the room, their individual head gear flipping off and back on their heads in time with the beat.

_"We've been stuck in space so long we have simply gone bananas!-!"_ the Entire Justice league roared in a single voice.

Suddenly, the lights went out. Seconds later, illumination flared to life, revealing that the league had gone through a costume change.

The entire group was clad in variety of costumes. Star Girl and Supergirl were wearing identical Victorian ball gowns and tangoing across the room, hand in hand. Green Lantern was wearing a colorful mariachi costume, complete with a set of maracas, and Hawkgirl was perched on his shoulders wearing an angel costume., Flash was wearing a samurai armor, and wonder woman was clad in a toga.

_"Ariba!-!"_ the Greek heroine cackled.

_"Chica chica boom! A chica chica boom boom chic! Chica chica boom! A chica chica boom boom chic chic!-!"_ the group yelled.

_"We got cabin fever we've lost what sense we had"_ John Stewart sang.

_"We got cabin fever, we're all going mad!"_ his girlfriend chimed in.

_"Grab your partner by the ears! Bash him into the wall!"_ S.T.R.I.P.E. square dances as he pulled a reel on a fiddle he normally kept hidden in his armor.

WHAM!

POW!

CRACK!

Superheroes and Heroines alike flew through the air as they were tossed like pancakes.

_"Do-si-do step on his toe, Listen to him squeal Allemande left, allemande right! It's time to sail or sink! Swing your partner over the side, Drop him in the drink!"_ the armored man yodeled as Justice leaguers collapsed to the ground in pain and nearly got stuffed into the airlock.

_"We got cabin fever, no if's, and's, or but's. We're disoriented…and demented…and a little nuts!"_ Dr. Fate and Zatanna (who were both wearing tuxedos) warbled in snooty British accents.

_"Ach du lieber Volswagen car! Saur braten viener schnitzel! Und a vunder bar!"_ Captain Atom and Orion tittered, both wearing Lederhosen.

_"I've got cabin fever, I think I've lost my grip!"_ Elongated man sang conversationally.

_"I'd like to get my hands on…whoever wrote this script!"_ Plastic man deadpanned, glaring at the writer

"_Si!_ **And would somebody fix that fourth wall!-?**" the elastic detective barked.

_"OOOOOO! I was floating 'neath a tropic mo-o-o-o-o-o-o-on. And dreaming of a blue lago-o-o-o-o-o-on. Now I'm crazy as a lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-on! WOO-HOO-HOO!"_ Superman sang, clad in a long floral dress and a fruit hat.

_"Cabin fever has ravaged all aboard! This once proud vessel has become a floating psycho ward!"_ Flash sang as strobe light flashed. Meanwhile on earth, several astronomers gawked at the multi colored light show in the sky.

_"We were sailing, sailing headed who knows where! And now though we're all here… we're not all there! **Cabin fever!-!**"_ everyone sang.

Suddenly, the doors to the mess hall burst open as Martian manhunter burst into the room.

"We have a major crisis on our hands! There been a meteor strike in Scandinavia that need immediate attention, andthe area around a malfunctioning Nuclear plant in Africa needs immediate evacuation! We need volunteers for both missions." the emerald skinned hero said shortly.

Flash looked down and realized he was wearing his normal costume.

"What the hell happened?" he asked weakly.

"I don't want to know." Hawk winced, not meeting anyone's eyes.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, on Earth…<p>

The Injustice league was in hysterics as they watched the sheepish superheroes file toward the javelin bay.

"I love it when a plan comes together!" Lex Luthor snickered happily.

**"Here's hoping you enjoyed the fic folks. remembe**r**, read, review, and check out the challenges on my profile page." I grunt, looking singed around the edges as I spit out a puff of smoke.**


	3. Chapter 3: Clark the Nudist?

**My muse shoots me a funny look as she reads the latest chapter.**

**"And what, in the name of magic, inspired this little gem?" she snickered.**

**"A bit of off time after a session of jury duty that never happened, coupled with a bit of idle wondering about what happened to all of Clark's clothes after he needed a last minute costume change." I snort.**

**"So in other words, your usual brand of lunacy! And for the record, he doesn't own any of this. All of the characters and locations used belong to someone else!" Zatnanna chirps.**

Chapter 3: Clark the Nudist?

Clark Kent, AKA Superman, felt an intense sense of Déjà vu. He hadn't had this feeling since he got called to the principal's office in High School for setting his Homeroom teacher's blouse on fire.

"_Stupid heat vision…"_ the last son of krypton thought darkly.

He was sitting in the middle of his Boss's office. The man in question, Perry White, was flanked to the left by a slightly green in the face Jimmy Olson, and an exasperated/amused Lois Lane.

"Sir, can I ask what's going on?" Clark asked.

"Son, this talk's long overdue. We have to talk about your…extracurricular activities. The older man said grimly.

"URK! Sir! I can explain!" the senior member of the justice league blanched.

"No need. What you do on your time is your business. But when it interferes with your job, then I have to step in." Perry nodded sadly.

"I don't think I'll ever be a ble to look at him the same way again." The photographer winced.

"Now some people might like to do this type of thing in private, and in some not so private places. But I run a clean ship. And I can't abide these types of shenanigans!" the boss said gruffly.

"Keep the junk in the trunk!" Jimmy nodded.

"I…don't understand." Clark blinked.

"I think what they're trying to say Smallville, is that it's perfectly all right for you to indulge in your off time, but when you're at work, we can't let that fact that you're a nudist slide." Lois deadpanned.

Clark felt the heat rise to his face; "L-lois! Why do you think I'm…"

"That time during the fire drill when you came out of the building wearing nothing but a sock…and not on your foot." Perry pointed out

"I was in the shower room when that happened, and someone stole most of my clothes!" Clark sputtered.

"How about your unfortunate habit of leaving your clothes lying around." She deadpanned.

"Spontaneous need to change clothes while forgetting where I left the first set I wore?" he tried.

"Including your underwear? And by the way, might I add 'batman boxers', really?" Jimmy made a face.

"Those were a gift from a friend!" Superman winced.

"And last but not least, we have several reports of a flesh colored blur seen running through the

halls." Lois snickered.

"The flash?" Clark smiled weakly.

"Try the flash**er**!" Lois snorted.

"What we're trying to say son, is that when you're on company time, keep it in your pants!" Perry nodded.

"Y-yes sir!" Clark blushed, before running out the door. Right before he left, he paused.

"Sir, if you don't mind me asking, what was it that made you notice? No one said anything up until now." The man of steel asked.

"Well…" Perry answered hesitantly.

* * *

><p><strong>One week earlier <strong>

Perry stepped into the office of the majority shareholder of the Daily planet: Bruce Wayne.

"Mr. White, it's good to see you again!" he CEO nodded, shaking the editor's hand.

"Likewise, rest assured. If you don't mind me asking, what exactly did you call me all the way to

Gotham for?"

"Some unsettling rumors about one of your employees."

"Whatever they are, I can assure you that they are just rumors! My employees are all on the up and up!" Perry nodded.

"I hate to break this to you…" Wayne grimaced, handing Perry a packet of photos.

* * *

><p><strong>Back to the present day…<strong>

"And so Mr. Wayne asked me to hold this little intervention to discuss your problem!" the boss

said gruffly.

"I see. Well rest assure, I will take nip this problem of mine in the bud!" Clark smiled through clenched teeth.

* * *

><p><strong>That Night in Gotham City <strong>

The dark form of the Batman prowled across the rooftops, silent and unseen as a shadow.

Sadly (for him) that didn't help against someone with x-ray vision.

**WOOSH!**

Batman suddenly experienced an incredible feeling of vertigo as a red a blue streak grabbed him by the cape and hauled him to the top of Wayne Tower at the speed of sound.

When the spinning in his head cleared, Brude realized that he had been hung by his cape on the spire of the tallest building in the city.

"Completely worth it!" he smiled faintly.

**Remember folks, read, review, and check out the challenges on my profile page!**


	4. Chapter 4: Kyle's Serenade

**And now for something a little more serious. After recent events concerning one of my favorite DC love triangles, I came up with this little gem. Enjoy!**

Chapter 4: Kyle's Serenade

The warriors Bar (the favorite watering hole of Oa's non blue members of the Green Lantern Corps) was packed that night. Everyone was drinking and celebrating the recent repulsion of the former leader of the guardians of the Universe, Krona.

But not everyone was happy.

"Kyle…you are ten different kinds of idiot, rolled into one stupid package!" Hal snorted.

"I know!" the despondent lantern bit back.

"You had a good thing going! And while I agree that you needed to eventually tell her about the Star Sapphire thing…" the other lantern pointed out.

"I know that too!" Kyle snorted.

"Telling her that she was a place holder until you got over Jade was rubbing salt in the wound! It was callous and stupid! What were you thinking? I'm no great shakes in the relationship department, but even I know that saying something like that is relationship suicide!" The senior corpsman rolled his eyes

"I **KNOW!** I don't know what possessed me to tell her that! It was like some higher power made me do that just to watch me, the universe's butt monkey, suffer!" the junior lantern snapped as he watched Kilowog dance across the room with a lampshade on his head.

"You know what you have to do right?" Hal asked dryly.

"I know. Just let me down a few more shots of liquid courage so that I come up with an idea of how to apologize. Hopefully in a way that won't earn me some quality time with the defibrillator of death!" the cartoonist moaned, downing a huge gulp of the house ale.

* * *

><p>It was several hours later that the last of the lights went out in the corps dormitory (built for the members whose home planets were too far away to make flight feasible).<p>

Soranik Natu, Green lantern medic, was in the middle of a very pleasant dream about roasting her would be significant other over an open fire. She was just getting to the good part (where she unleashes the wrath of Parallax on the stupidest member of the honor guard) when she heard a loud and off key interruption.

An earsplitting guitar rift played for a good fifteen seconds that inspired the Korugarrian to untangle herself from her sheets and stumble toward the balcony door, which she threw open with a resounding clatter.

The sight she saw made her jaw drop. Kyle Rayner was floating several hundred feet from her window. Behind him were over a dozen Caribbean clothing clad construct cones of himself (one was wearing a long floral skirt and fruit hat) and playing a variety of mismatched instruments. The orchestra included a bassoon player, a clone wielding a set of snare drums, a saxophonist, another with a guitar, and three playing harps.

With a flick of his wrist, the band began to strike up a surprisingly catchy beat.

"_My head is schtuck in the cwouds! She begsh me to come down: Says, 'Boy, quit foolin' around'! I told her, 'I lovesh the view from up here 'Warm shun and wind in my hair! We'll watch the world from above ash it turns to the rhythm of love…" _the forlorn lantern warbled drunkenly.

His intoxicated butchering of the song was interrupted when a green shoe flew out of a window above hers and slammed into the singing lantern's face.

WHACK!

"_YEOUCH!' _Who threw that?" Kyle snarled.

"I did!" Guy Gardner snarled as he descended from above, still clad in a sleep shirt and a night cap.

"Oh boy!" Kyle winced, noting the fury on the other lantern's face that looked almost potent enough to summon another red ring.

"Guy, Buddy! Pal o' mine! You won't hold this against me, will you? I was trying to tell Soranik how much of an idiot I was!" Kyle blanched, remembering how violent Guy was when he got pissed.

"I think she, and all of the other people you woke up, figured that out for themselves." The football player sneered, cracking his knuckles.

"You wouldn't hit a man wearing glasses, would you?" the junior lantern/honor guard gulped weakly as he materialized an emerald pair of Groucho bifocals over his face.

The enraged lantern's answer was to tackle Kyle out of the air, turning them into a whirling ball of fists, feet, and drunken idiocy.

They tumbled down into the alleyway below with a mighty crash.

Then silence.

When she saw Guy hover back up to his apartment several seconds later, and Kyle nowhere in sight, she wrestled with her inner medic whether to help him or not. You could almost see the proverbial angel and devil on her shoulders. One clad in the attire of her father's corps, the other dressed as a white lantern.

"_Leave him to rot! He broke our hearts!" _Yellow lantern Soranik sneered.

"_That may be true, but doesn't everybody deserve a second chance?" _ White lantern Soranik responded.

"_Not mister 'I don't want to live in the past.'" _Her darker half retorted.

"_People make stupid decisions when their hearts are broken. Can we begrudge him the fact that his loves were murdered?"_

"_Yes! There are no excuses for doing that to us! He led me on for years, not telling me that he still carried a torch for the green skinned bitch!" _the yellow clad one barked, gesturing to the woman who's shoulder she was perched on.

"_You make a point. He should have been straightforward from the beginning. __**But,**__ can we truly call ourselves the best medic on __Korugar if we leave him there?" _the white Soranik pointed out.

"…"

"_So, we are in agreement? While we can't forgive and forget, we'll at least offer him our help as a medic. Could we look at ourselves in the mirror if we did otherwise? We'd be as bad as father."_ The white lantern prodded as the original Soranik fingered the brand on her cheek.

Decision made, she summoned her uniform and descended on the Alley below like a red skinned Florence Nightingale. She scooped what was left of Kyle Rayner out of the dumpster Guy had thrown him into and hauled his sorry carcass up to her apartment to patch up.

* * *

><p>It was several hours later that the formerly drunk lantern woke up, experiencing the facet of life that laid many people mightier than him out flat: a hangover.<p>

"Someone turn off the sun!" Kyle moaned as he pulled the covers over his head.

"Sorry. But that's not gonna happen." A familiar melodious voice chirped.

"Oh god! Please tell me that last night was an embarrassing nightmare!" the honor guard whimpered pitifully as his own voice pounded into his skull.

"Nope. And for the record: I'm feeling generous after you humiliated yourself last night. So I'll give you…a half hour to recover before I rip you a new one for pulling that stunt, leaving enough of you to give me an explanation!" the medic smiled sweetly.

* * *

><p>Thirty minutes and five seconds later, Soranik dragged Kyle's still shiveringwhimpering form out of her bed, plopping him in front of her dining room table.

She sat down across from him and tried to look intimidating. The effect was ruined by the pink bunny slippers and fuzzy purple bathrobe.

"So…why did you do it?" she asked.

"Because…I was an utter moron."

"I don't disagree with you, but can you go into a little more detail?"

"First Alex, then Jade." He said flatly.

"How about using more than four words?" she deadpanned.

"Alex died horribly. I was off being a hero when Major Force broke her in half. Then Jade sacrificed herself to stop Alexander Luthor Jr. from tearing the universe a new one. Both times I wasn't there. When I started a relationship with you some time after that, I originally intended for this to be just a transition thing. Just until I got my life back together. But something happened. Even though part of me would always carry a torch for her, I fell in love with you. Something about you brought me back from the brink." He muttered.

"I see…" she said, looking at the ceiling.

"The whole reason I did that last night was to try to apologize. I know we can never have what we once had: but I want us to at least be friends. You're too important to me just to cut out of my life because of a moment of dumbness." The hung over lantern said sadly.

"You're right about one thing. After that revelation, we won't have what we had, not for a while anyway. You're a good man Kyle. Even though we won't be lovers, we can still be friends. And who knows what the future might bring." She winked saucily at him.

* * *

><p>Several days later….<p>

"It's quite unusual for a person to ask finding their true love twice." The same Star Sapphire who showed him the vision of Jade said dryly.

"What can I say? I'm a complex guy. Can you do it or not?" Kyle asked.

"Yes. Just don't expect the vision to change. The heart knows what it wants." Miri said.

The blue skinned woman pressed her fingers to her temples. Waves of pink energy slithered through the air, congregating above her head and weaving into a familiar face.

"Well, well, well! What do you know? I guess those blue lanterns were right all along. Things do work out in the end!" Kyle chuckled as the pink visage of Soranik smiled down on him happily.

Some might call it an end, others a beginning, either way things were bound to get interesting.

**Hope you all enjoyed this poignant piece. This plot bunny had been ticking in the back of my mind ever since I heard about this development. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it. **


	5. Chapter 5: It's called tough love, baby!

"**Welcome to another chapter of Stupid super tricks!" I smile happily.**

"**Wait a cotton picking minute? What about my story? It's been four months since you dropped me off that cliffhanger!" Harry Elric barks as he stomps out of the backstage.**

"**Don't forget about me! The author just started my fanfic! And what about Stupid Pirate Tricks?" Green Lantern Luffy frowns.**

"**And what about me, teme?-!" you said you'd start my Godzilla cross over fic over a year ago!" Naruto Uzumaki snarled.**

"**Excuse me folks, we seem to be experiencing some…technical difficulties. Please enjoy your regularly scheduled chapter. Zatanna! Get the tranqs!" I hiss as I back away from the irate fanfic characters. **

Chapter 5: It's called Tough Love, baby!

"WAAAA-HOOOO-HOOOO-EEEEEEEE!-!" Hal Jordan yelped as he plummeted down another bend, which sharply veered into a hairpin corner.

Hal's nephews loved every minute of it. The former green lantern's brother had begged his recently dishonorably discharged sibling to take him place in the annual Jordan trip to six flags (claiming that his stomach couldn't stand a wild roller coaster ride.

It was several hair raising minutes later that Hal and his nephews stumbled drunkenly off the Flashback.

Naturally, the youngsters immediately made a beeline for the Bathroom a few moments afterwards.

The family get together was interrupted when Hal turned around and came face to face with two of his former league teammates.

"Hi guys, long time no see. If you don't mind asking, what the hell are you doing here? I'm not exactly a member of the league anymore." Hal pointed out dryly, waggling his now ringless fingers.

"There's a crisis on the watchtower that only you can solve. I'm only saying this once Jordan: you can either come willingly, or not. It's your choice." Batman growled.

"Um…HEY! WHAT DO YOU THINK…" Hal yelped as Superman picked him up in a fireman's carry.

Then they disappeared.

"Uncle Hal! We're ready for another go!" Howard chirped, stepping out of the lavatory.

"Uncle Hal? Where'd you go?" His niece Jane frowned.

* * *

><p>"YOU'RE DOING?-!" Hal yipped as he was dumped on the cold metallic floor seconds later.<p>

"We're kidnapping you." Batman deadpanned.

"Of course, it's for the good of the team." Clark said uneasily.

"I'm almost afraid to ask…" the former lantern groaned.

"Simply put, your girlfriend is wreaking havoc on the watchtower." The dark knight scowled.

"Excuse me?" Hal blinked.

"It's better you see the results for yourself." The man of steel winced.

* * *

><p>A scant few minutes later, Hal's jaw dropped. The commissary was crowded with nearly every league member and then some. And every last one of them was doing the same thing: cooing over their significant other (or others in a few notable cases).<p>

Jackson Hyde (Aqualad) was staring into the fluttering eyes of the blushing Lorena Marquez (Aquagirl).

Off to the side, Aquaman was whispering into the ear of his giggling wife Mera.

Clark glared daggers at Firestorm, who had his flaming arms wrapped around Supergirl's hourglass waist as he nibbled on her neck. Oddly enough, both Ronnie Raymond **and** Jason Rusch were both in agreement on the subject of wooing the girl of steel.

Batman was studiously ignoring the duo of Barbra Gordon and Starfire, who had a vividly blushing Dick Grayson sandwiched between them.

Thankfully, some of the more normal pairings like a recently resurrected Deadman and Dove, or Green Arrow and Black Canary, seemed to be acting a little more sedately.

"_Oh Bruce…"_ a female voice cooed.

"_Ezeerf!" _another giggled, as the bat's limbs snapped to his sides, stopping him in his tracks.

The former Green lantern's eyes bulged, Superman's jaw dropped, and Batman's eye twitched madly as Zatanna, and Wonder Woman (both of whom were sporting identical leering/smoldering looks) picked up Batman and carried him away.

The fact that they were both holding jars of chocolate sauce and whipped cream didn't help matters.

"Guh?" Hal gurgled.

"Galk?" Superman agreed.

They stood there, watching the loving chaos for thirty seconds as they tried to process what the hell was happening.

"Explanation…please?" Hal squeaked.

"Right. Long story short, Carol Ferris learned how to transmit the love effect of her Star Sapphire ring on a subtler scale. Simply put, she weaponized it." The man of steel said weakly.

"How, exactly?"

"She figured out how to create a single type of construct: a bow and arrow." Clark uttered.

"Are you saying…" Hal goggled.

"She made the modern version of Cupid's archery set. Of course, her adaptation consists of a compound bow and barbed arrows." The man of tomorrow shrugged.

"And…how am I supposed to help?" Hal blinked.

"Well…" Superman winced.

* * *

><p>Several minutes later...<p>

"Distract her until Martian Manhunter finds a cure, Superman said! It'll be easy, he said! The one thing he seemed to be forgetting is that I don't have any powers…and that she's less than happy with me for not taking the next step in our relationship!" he muttered under his breath.

T-T-TWANG!

Hal backpedaled as three arrows thudded into the ground at his feet.

The green lantern gulped as Carol dropped down from a nearby air vent, clutching a pink bow and quiver of arrow like a bikini clad version of Green Arrow.

The former lantern had to suppress the urge to throw up the moment that image popped into his head.

Swallowing the bile that had risen in his throat, Hal smiled weakly at her, "Hi Carol! Long time no see! I have to say you're looking radiant."

"Cute Jordan, real cute." The pink clad love monger scowled as he pulled another crystal arrow out of her quiver, knocked it, and let it fly.

"RUN AWAY!" the powerless lantern yipped as he dashed in the opposite direction.

Just because he was brave, didn't mean he was stupid.

Arrows whizzed by his head as he heard the rapid footsteps of Carol closing in.

THUNK!

Hal came to a stop as one of her arrows pierced the sleeve of his jump suit, pinning him to the wall.

"Carol, Can't we talk about this?" the former lantern gulped uneasily.

"It'll only hurt for a second! Then the love enhancing effect of the arrow will kick in and you'll see things my way!" she smiled sweetly.

"Have I ever told you that you look hot when you're angry?" he tried, cursing the guardian's shortsightedness for the millionth time since they unfairly decided to take away his ring.

"Several times." She deadpanned.

TWANG!

TWANG!

TWANG!

Three more arrows flew, pinning him spread eagled to the wall by his other sleeve and both his pants legs.

"Now where were we?" she smirked.

* * *

><p>Several hours later, a multitude of recently cured and highly embarrassed Superheroes were combing the Watchtower for Carol Ferris and Hal Jordan, neither of whom had been seen since the former lantern had been given the dubious duty of sacrificial lamb.<p>

"J'onn, are you sure that he's here?" Superman asked via his communicator.

"_Positive. His heat signature shows that he is ten feet in front of you, and five to your left."_

Clark's eyes widened when the directions led him to one of several janitors closets that dotted the tower.

One application of x-ray vision later, his suspicions were confirmed.

"J'onn, Hal can take care of himself. He's in the middle of someone at the moment." Superman snorted.

"_Understood. Have you ascertained the location of Batman?"_

"No. But given what happened, I suspect that he's in a similar situation to Hal…" Clark rolled his eyes as he muttered under his breath about the decadent habits of playboys.

* * *

><p>Speaking of Batman, the caped crusader was laying in a queen sized bed in one of his many safe houses, sandwiched between two ebony haired super heroines.<p>

"_You know, as far as story climaxes go, this isn't half bad._" The bat thought as he glowered at the broken fourth wall.

"**Remember folks… read, review and check… out the challenges on my profile page…" I pant, glaring at the trussed up/ tranquilized/ totally incapacitated fanfiction characters as my muse stands guard over them. **


	6. Chapter 6: My Family Tree has Root Rot

**"I know I'm asking for it with latest chapter, but I couldn't resist." I smile weakly.**

**"No argument here. And Sorakage Sama doesn't own any of the elements of this fic. Jess Jordan included, she belongs to his girlfriend Swordmaster Z" Zatanna coos, batting her eyelashes and making kissy faces at me.**

**"You do realize that the person you're teasing is the one keeping you in Bruce clones right?" I smile coldly.**

**"Erk! I forgot about that little detail. Um, I'd better get back to work!" the magi winced, zipping out of the room fast enough to leave a Zatanna shaped dust cloud.**

Chapter 6: My Family tree has root rot

The members of the Justice League, past and present, were as close as a family. Even though there was the occasional spat (mostly between Rex 'Warhawk' Stewart and Terry 'Batman' McGinnis) the team remained close.

So it was quite surprising when they discussed a discussion cropped up about family lives and childhood, the last person they expected walked away.

"I'm out…" Jess Jordan, the newest Green lantern, said flatly.

"What's with her?" Terry asked.

"I'm afraid her family is a sensitive subject…" Kai-Ro winced.

"That's putting it mildly. The last person who tried to get inside info on her was found six months later in the Sahara Desert muttering about huckleberries and cheese graters. And she still won't tell me how she did it." Barda rolled her eyes.

"Interesting…" Terry muttered, looking at her curiously.

"I know that look! And I'm warning you, don't even think about it!" Aquagirl cautioned.

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking 'bout." Terry smiled innocently.

* * *

><p>It was several hours later that Terry's best friend Max Gibson, pored over the sealed computer files.<p>

"Wow. I haven't seen this level of encryption in a while. And on a personnel file no less." she uttered.

"So…does that mean you can't get past it?" Terry asked.

"Bite your tongue Terry! There isn't a firewall I can't crack!" the pink haired girl snorted, doubling the speed of her typing.

"So, what's the big deal with this Jordan girl?" Max asked several minutes later.

"Call it professional curiosity. I just wanna know what earth shattering secret she has to hide that requires this level of protection." Terry answered.

"So you snuck me into the most secure building on the planet to break into this girl's file just out of curiosity? That's sad. We really need to get you a permanent girlfriend to keep you occupied." Max rolled her eyes as her best friend sputtered incoherently.

Suddenly, the screen flickered and changed.

"Like I said, there's no firewall I can't crack!" she cheered.

"Let's see. Seems normal enough. Bloodtype A+. Normal height and weight. She works part time with the Blue Angels. Master's degree in Aeronautics at Coast City University. Daughter of… **Hailey **Jordan and **Carl **Farris? That can't be right. AWK!" Terry yelped as a green hand wrapped around his waist and dragged him away from the screen.

"You bats have a bad habit of sticking your pointed noses where they don't belong!" the ticked off female lantern frowned harshly.

"Um…Parley?" Terry gulped.

* * *

><p>Twenty one and a half years earlier…<p>

"Why haven't I changed back?" Hal asked flatly, glaring at Martian Manhunter.

It was a month and a half after the Star Sapphire Ring incident. And for reasons unknown, Hal had been unable to regrow his man bits despite taking off the ring.

"Does it have anything to do with the you-know-what?" Superman asked.

"What Star Sapphire Ring? I never wore a Star Sapphire ring. Nope! Not me!" the formerly male lantern glowered.

"That's not what I remember!" Barry Allen smiled brightly.

"Me either!" Wally west giggled.

"What are you knuckle heads two doing here again?" the former male glowered.

"Remember what I said about Schadenfreude? YEOWCH!" The elder speedster yelped as he was beaned in the head with an emerald paper weight.

"I followed Uncle Barry." Wally said innocently. Needless to say, no one bought it.

J'onn J'onzz's red eyes widened in surprise and shock. He held a quick whispered conversation with the man of steel. After a vigorous round of Rock, paper, scissors, J'onn won and Superman asked the dreaded question.

"Hal Do you remember what you did while you were under the effects of the ring?" Clark asked.

"Well, I remember something about a laser guided chainsaw toothed shark, and then it went kind of blank." The lantern shrugged.

"I'll be blunt: Did you sleep with any men?" the last Kryptonian said flatly.

The speedster duo's eyes bulged, Hal paled, and Carol both turned a bright fire engine red.

"So you…" Barry goggled, pointing at Hal.

"I don't know! Did I?" The lantern squeaked, looking at his/her wife.

"You did…" Carol answered miserably.

"And how did he…or rather, **when** did he…" Wally looked at the star sapphire warily.

"The gender shifting doesn't just affect men. And while my husband was under the influence of the ring, he wanted to experience every kindof love." She flushed.

"And you both…" Superman blanched.

"Apparently…" Hal winced.

"I have only one thing to say to you both…" Martian Manhunter said hesitantly.

A beat…

"Congratulations it's a girl." The green skinned being deadpanned.

* * *

><p>Nine months later….<p>

"GRAAAAAAAAH! CAROL! After this, I'm taking a vow of chastity!" 'Haliey' howled as he proceeded to crush the bones in his temporary partner/wife's hand into a fine powder.

* * *

><p>"And so now you know my dirty little secret." Jess rolled her eyes.<p>

The rest of the JLU Tribunal (consisting of the remaining members of the original seven) looked on in amusement as Hal's offspring glared at the newest batman.

"So the question is: what do we do with him now?" Wonder Woman asked.

"Suspending his membership seems appropriate." Bruce pointed out (earning him a betrayed look from his protégé).

"On the contrary, I think that it's a little over the top. This might have been a breach of privacy, but the kid was only doing it to satisfy his own curiosity." Wally grinned.

"So the question still stands, what are we going to do with him?" Martian Manhunter deadpanned.

Hal grinned evilly and pulled out his cell phone, dialing, and putting it again his ear, "Carol, its Hal. How are things on Zamaron?"

The group could hear an inaudible mutter.

"Really? You'd think Larfleeze would learn by now. Listen don't have time to chat. I'm in the middle of a tribunal."

More words were exchanged.

"No, it's the new Bat that's on the hot seat. He got curious about our little girl's sealed files and talked a friend of his into doing a little hacking." The senior lantern rolled his eyes.

An audible screech of outrage could be heard.

"I know, I'm pissed too. All things considered, I was thinking the punishment should fit the crime. Think you could send a little of that who-do that you-do so well to the tower? You will?

Thanks. Love you too, bye!" Hall grinned, hanging up.

Jess let out a mad cackle of laughter as she realized what was about to happen.

"Care package, incoming!" The former lantern grinned. The other league members would swear for the rest of their collective days that they saw his eyes pulse yellow for a brief second.

CRACK!

A pink blur crashed through the glass dome above their heads. It whirled around the room like a peach colored comet before settling in front of Terry.

**_"Terry McGinnis of Earth, you are in huge trouble! Welcome to the Star Sapphire corps." _**The ring of love said flatly before affixing itself on the boy's finger.

Max's watched in shock as her best friend was engulfed in a pink whirlwind of light. When the fireworks died down, not much seemed to have changed.

"What did you…" Terry trailed off when it became very apparent his voice's pitch had gone up several notches.

"It was then that everyone noticed the subtle curves that were visible under the batsuit.

Bruce's eye twitched as he watched the debacle unfold, "Hal, you are insane."

"Love you too, ya octogenarian rat with wings!" the former Lantern smirked.

"Says the man who still dyes his hair, despite being just as old and wrinkly as me." The first Batman replied smoothly.

His hands trembling, the frightened young man pulled his cowl off, revealing long black hair and soft feminine features.

Jess's cackling got worse. She fell over backwards, kicking her heels in the air in sheer hilarity.

"Well, at least your name's gender neutral?" Max said lamely, shrugging her shoulders.

'Terrie's' eyes rolled up into her head as 'she' toppled over in a dead faint.

**"WHERE IS HE?-!" Hal roared in unbridled fury, a red ring hovering around him eagerly.**

**"We want a word with your boss." The second batman says coldly.**

**"I'm sorry, gentlemen, but the author isn't taking any visitors…EEK!" My muse yelps as several green clamps pin her to the wall. The younger of the duo adhered a packet of C-4 to the door of my office and blows it to smithereens.**

**The lantern's eye twitches when he steps through the smoke cloud and sees a straw doll molded into a crude likeness of me with a note pinned to its chest.**

**_"Better luck next time, boyas! It'll take more than the two of you to get one over on me!"_ the note says. **

**"He can't run forever! We'll catch him the nest time he updates…" the bat said through gritted teeth.**

**"Then he'll pay!" Hal seethed.**

**Soon after they left, a section of the wall peels away, revealing a camouflaged safe room.**

**"Remember folks, read, review, and check out my challenges. Providing I live long enough to update again…" I whimper, poking my head out.**


	7. Chapter 7: Jealousy is best served cold

"**So are the both of you ready to sign the cease fire agreement now?" the moderator asks the two of us. **

"**Yeah, yeah…" the reluctant lantern grumbles.**

"**I suppose…" I roll my eyes from within my power armor.**

"**According to this document, Sorakage Sama doesn't own DC. And per the agreement, Hal Jordan will cease all attempts to murder, defenestrate, or seek to do any form of bodily harm to the party hereby known as Sorakage Sama. And in turn, Sorakage Sama will use his cloning facilities to provide repartition in the form copies of the women on this list to the party known as Hal Jordan!" SwordmasterZ read from the official looking document. **

"**Why are we doing this again?" Hal asked me, notarizing the document with his free hand.**

"**Because I want to keep myself alive, and her happy. And you don't want to be on the receiving end of a blast from her her power ring collection!" I snort, applying my John Hancock.**

**Chapter 7: Jealousy is best served cold. **

Several months after what came to be known as the 'rhythm of love' incident, Soranik Natu was doing her best to drink former lantern Boodikka under the table. Needless to say, she was failing.

Normally, the best medic in the corps didn't like to touch alcohol unless the situation called for it: and the Korugarian's love life definitely qualified.

"You'd think…that I'd learn from Kylesh mishtakes." The red skilled woman slurred.

"Which one?" the former Alpha lantern snarked.

"The one when I get…shpookered…pissheded… Pwastered… drunk!" the non-bionic lantern answered.

"What inspired your binging this time?" the cybernetic woman blinked (well, more like her optics turned off for a split second).

"What else? Dat Gween man staler Jade drove me to drink! Da moment out break up hit the gossip mongers, she went RIGHT back to trying ta win my man." The medic spat.

"You do realize that, since your broken up, he's not yours anymore, right?" the former alpha lantern pointed out dryly, taking a long pull of her drink.

"Doesn't matter. He's **MINE**! An' anyone who takesh him from me 'll get a taste of my defibriggator…. befibimator… my big shock thingie!" she barked.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, halfway across the Galaxy Larfleeze suddenly felt like someone was stealing his shtick.<p>

* * *

><p>"Well, there's not much you can do about it, he's a grown man. And he can make his own decisions. What are you going to do? Concoct some juvenile scheme to make him jealous? " Boodikka shrugged.<p>

"That's a pretty damn good idea!" the medic cackled, shooting to her feet.

The cybernetic woman blanched. "I was joking!"

"Doesn't matter! I'm gonna make him so jealous, make him want me so bad, that he won't be able to see straight!" She proclaimed to the entire Warrior's bar.

"Just out of curiosity, how are you going to accomplish this?" Soranik's drinking buddy queried.

"I'll bang the one guy, who's guaranteed to push Kyle's buttons! The one man who's shadow Kyle's been tryin' to escape ever since he got his ring! When he sees me on his arm, dat lunk head's gonna go through the roof!" she giggled happily.

"This will not end well…" Boodikka whimpered, resolving to keep an eye on her before she did something stupid.

* * *

><p>It was several days later Hal was spending his now normal, lantern-less life doing something that he never really appreciated before; Grocery shopping.<p>

He hummed a little tune under his breath as he walked down the dairy isle. He looked into the freezer, searching for the newest jug of whole milk among the cartons. Spying his prize, he leaned in.

"Hello Hal." A familiar voice said.

"Hello Soranik." The former lantern replied automatically.

"SORANIK!-?" he yelped, his head jerking up and slamming into the heavy metal shelf. Hal went into a cursing fit that made the various mother around him, the majority of which were watching their children, cover their so called 'impressionable' ears.

"OW! Not that I'm not glad to see you, but…what are you doing here?-!" the former lantern hissed, nursing the growing bump on his head.

"I decided to take some time off from the Corps. I wanted to study some of the medical techniques from a few different planets across the Galaxy. And Earth seemed like as good a place start to start as any. I'm planning on spending the next few months here. So do you mind showing me around?" she smiled innocently.

"_Ok Hal, you're the only one she knows on earth… other than her ex, Guy, John, possibly Carol. Who else would she go to?" _ the former lantern shook his head, writing off the sudden feeling of

doom to the ringing in his head.

"All right, I guess I could show you the…sights…oh me, oh my…" the pilot trailed off, twitching, when he saw what she was wearing.

Somehow, the red skinned woman had managed to get her hands on several items of Earthling summer clothes, specifically a halter top, very brief cut off jeans, and a pair of strappy sandals.

Needless to say, the feeling of paranoia and doom returned full force.

* * *

><p>"This is the Coast city hospital. It's been upgraded over the past few years, since a law was passed where any city a Superhero called his territory had to have a fully functioning hospital with the most modern equipment available." Hal gestured less than an hour later.<p>

"Fascinating…" the crimson skinned woman purred, gazing almost covetously at the building.

The half lidded look in her eyes combined with the smoky way the word rolled off her tongue make the former lantern break into a cold sweat.

What made it even worse was that she decided this was the moment to grab his arm and rub her more than ample Korugarian cleavage against his bicep.

"_Oh God, please don't let Carol or Sinestro show up! Oh God, please don't let Carol or Sinestro show up!" _he mentally begged. He was finally in a stable relationship, and the last thing he needed was a misunderstanding that involved an admittedly hot alien woman in very skimpy summer clothes.

"Hello Hal." A very familiar, and very amused, voice said.

"_God, you seriously suck!"_ the former lantern mentally snapped.

"Hi Carol!" he grinned woodenly, shaking the amorous woman off his arm and getting out of ear shot.

"What is going on?" the sometime star Sapphire asked, as she practically oozed essence of 'I'm amused with you but I'm not gonna tell you why'.

"Well, it's not what it looks like, if that's what you're thinking…" Hal replied lamely.

"What I'm thinking is that you're currently dealing with an amorous medic who is trying to use you to make her ex-boyfriend wildly jealous." She replied smugly.

For once, Hal was struck dumb.

"I can tell by that look that you're confused. One; I'm a star sapphire; Love is my business. Two; Boodikka showed up at Ferris air about an hour ago. She clued me in on what Soranik's planning to do!" she smirked

"Thank God! The last thing I need is Kyle on the warpath, or any more rumors about my Love life." He sighed,

"Humph! Like those rumors don't stroke your **ego**." She snorted.

"I'll ignore the commentary, thank you very much! Thanks for cluing me in to her real intentions. I'll show her around for a bit and drop her off at the motel where she's staying.

Wanna meet me at my apartment tonight?" the former lantern smirked.

"Sure, if you can ditch your latest admirer." Hal's significant other smirked.

"You know, you seem awfully calm despite the fact that someone out to get me."

"Oh, I'm not worried. You know what would happen if you strayed, don't you?" Carol whispered seductively, her eyes pulsing a familiar shade of pink.

"Yup! No doubt here!" the former lantern gulped.

* * *

><p>It was a few hours later that Hal was freshly showered and dressed to kill, ready for a night on the town.<p>

"I'm starting to think getting kicked out of the corps was the best thing I ever did!" the lantern smirked.

_Knock! Knock!_

The pilot took a deep breath and threw open the door, "Hey gorgeous! You look…Waugh?" he gurgled, looking at the dark haired, crimson skinned woman on his door step.

"Thanks for the compliment. Nice to know some men can appreciate a woman's charms…" the medic cooed, sauntering into the room, wearing an evening dress that showed more cleavage that

Hal thought possible.

"Will you excuse me for a second?" the ex-green lantern gulped, dashing into the bedroom, grabbing his cell, and hitting the first number on the speed dial.

A few seconds later…

"Hello?" he heard Carol say from the other end of the line.

"Hi, Carol, remember when you said that this would blow over, and that Soranik wasn't really serious about wanting to sleep with me until I wilted?" Hal babbled.

"Yes." She answered uncertainly.

"Well, Sinestro's daughter in my apartment, right now, wearing a dress that's hot enough to make **Firestorm** jealous!"

"Oh Hal! I seemed to have torn my gown, would you mind if I take it off so that I can sew up the rip? Mind you, I'm not wearing anything underneath this…so no peeking!" he heard the Kourgarian say from the other room.

A beat.

"Hello?" Hal gulped.

"I'll be there in a few minutes. It's time I set that woman straight. I'll teach her not to steal with a Star sapphire's mate." The queen of Zamaron said frostily before hanging up.

"Oh dear…" Hal gulped as he realized he might have said too much.

The former lantern looked to the heavens and prayed that his apartment didn't get destroyed again.

"Soranik! You gotta…Hubba hubba!" rushed into the room, but trailed off when he realized that she was already in the process of repairing her dress.

"Yes?" the red skinned woman smiled cattily.

"You gotta hide!" the former lantern sputtered, grabbing Kyle's ex by the shoulders and shoving her into a nearby closet.

"What are you…" the nude female sputtered.

"Carol's coming, and if she finds you like this, she's all the more likely to go full predator mode on the both of us!" the pilot gulped.

Sinestro's daughter blanched, "I see your point. I think I'll stay here for a little while…" she said as he slammed the door in her face.

_Knock! Knock! Knock!_

Hal took a deep breath and opened the door; "Carol! As you can see…you're not who I thought you were…" the lantern trailed off, seeing Kyle standing in front of him in full uniform.

"Where is she?" The former host of Ion said flatly.

"Where's who?" Hal gulped.

"Soranik. I know she's here. Tell me where she is. And lord help me, if she's anything less than fully clothed, I'll demonstrate to you some of the constructs I've come up with from watching anime!" the shorted of the two growled as he made a very frightening bunch of tentacle constructs.

"Erm. I'll get back to you on that." Hal paled.

Another knock.

"Ugh! Get out of sight! We'll discuss this later after I get rid of whoever is at the door." Hal groaned resignedly, pushing his former sector partner into the bedroom.

When the disgraced lantern opened his front door, all he found at his doorstep was a huge cake almost as tall as him. He wheeled the gigantic confection inside.

Cautiously, he picked up the small card attached to the side.

_To Hal: Here's hoping you have the happiest un-birthday of your life! With love, from Helena and Zinda_.

Something about this niggled at the back of his head. When a steady and familiar beat suddenly the upper tier began to wobble.

"_Happy un-birthday to you! Happy un-birthday, to you…"_ a horrifyingly familiar female voice crooned to the beat.

Helena Bertinelli rose out of the cake like some confectionery goddess, only wearing a smile.

"_Happy un-birthday, Mr. Hal…Happy Un-birthday to you…" _ Zinda Blake purred, sliding beside the other woman…

"Gah... Gah... Gah... What do you think you're doing?-!" the male pilot trembled.

"Hmmmm?" the dark haired woman hummed, smirking at him mischievously. "Oh, it's more about what I... no, **we'll** be doing..."

"Indeed!" the blonde pilot leered.

"Not funny, not funny at all!" the sputtering former lantern cackled. "You can't just barge into a man's home and, umm..." his voice trailed off as he saw the two of them sitting on the edge of the cake, displaying four succulent long legs.

Hal could feel his willpower crumbling under the sensuous assault.

_Knock! Knock! Knock!_

"Oh, thank God!" Hal gasped, wheeling the cake and its contents into the kitchen.

"GAH!" Hal yelped as he turned around, coming nose to nose with Batman

"How long have you been there?-!" the non costumed man sputtered.

"Long enough." The dark knight deadpanned.

"Whatever. Could you wait on the balcony until all's said and done." Hal grimaced. When he opened his eyes, his former teammate had disappeared.

Shaking his head, the discharged lantern threw open the door for what felt like the hundredth time that night. This time reveling Thaal Sinestro in full Indigo lantern regalia; loincloth and all.

"What can I do for you Sinestro?" Hal asked tiredly.

"I've come to see if you're ready to be reborn as an Indigo lantern…" the brainwashed former yellow corps leader said evenly.

Hal's eye twitched; "After the day I've had, I'm tempted to take you up on that…" the former lantern moaned, rolling his eyes.

Hal shook his head and looked his greatest opponent in the eye; "Sinestro, in all honesty, do you miss your old life, leading your corps?"

The red skinned man shrugged, "Somewhat. But those days are behind me. Now I've embraced the light of the Indigo tribe." He proclaimed, throwing his arms out and displaying his tattooed chest.

"I see…" Hal nodded, leading his former friend/ enemy by the arm. He threw open the closet, revealing a horrified, petrified, and very naked Soranik. Hal unceremoniously shoved his former corpsman inside the closet with his daughter.

Smiling faintly, Hal waited beside the door.

Another knock.

Hal threw open the door, reveling Carol Ferris in full battle mode.

"Where is she?" the star sapphire scowled.

BOOM!

An explosion rocked the apartment complex.

"WHERE ARE YOU JORDAN!-? I'LL RIP YOUR HEART OUT OF YOUR CHEST AND MAKE YOU WATCH AS I BURN IT TO ASHES-!-!-!" the newly reinstated yellow lantern howled as he blasted down the closet door.

Heroes suddenly popped out of the wood work, Kyle Rayner flew out of the bedroom, Batman came through the window, Lady Blackhawk and Huntress exited the kitchen, each wearing nothing more than a layer of cake. All the while, Soranik stood in the middle of the fracas, buck naked and absolutely stupefied.

"Don't worry, I've taken care of **everything**!" Hal smirked.

**Remember folks, read review, and check out my challenges!**


	8. Chapter 8: D&D and Superheroes

"**OK folks, I coming to you live from my impenetrable bunker. After the last chapter, the women I cloned to appease Hal Jordan found out, and trashed my facility…again." I hiss quietly.**

"**WHERE ARE YOU…I'LL SHOVE EXCALIBUR DOWN YOUR THROAT!"**

"**BY THE HONOR OF THE AMAZONS, I SHALL SMITE YOU!"**

"**KILL HIM UNTIL HE'S DEAD! WOLB PU!"**

**BOOM!**

"**And so, as a result (and the fact that SwordmasterZ refuses to help get me out of this); I have two things to say. First, I don't own any of the elements in this story."**

"**ONLY PUDDIN' HAS THE RIGHT TO LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! And red of course"**

"**TMI Harl. TMI."**

"**And second, I'm going to summon a little backup. Here's hoping I don't start a Holy Grail war by accident…" I nod pulling out a spell book. **

Chapter 8: D&D and Superheroes

Bruce Wayne's expression was stony as he waited for the elevator to reach the desired floor.

"_As much as I'd rather be __**anywhere**__ else, I have to do this…" _the billionaire rationalized.

Click!

The apartment door opened, and out stepped the blackmail master.

"Hi bats, glad you could make it!" Wally West smiled innocently.

"As if I had any other choice, either I take part in this inane game, or those photos go on the internet…" the dark knight ground out.

"It's like I told you over the phone, I've been trying to find people to participate in this Dungeons and dragons campaign I put together. But since everyone was so busy, I had to...convince you all to make time for this!" the scarlet speedster said, leading the senior hero into his apartment.

Sitting at the large dining room table were the other core members of the league; Green Lantern John Stewart, Wonder Woman, Hawkgirl, Martian Manhunter, and Superman, all in their civilian guises.

And in the center of the table was an elaborate plastic and cardboard setup that covered almost every inch of the wooden surface.

"So he got you all too?" Bruce asked redundantly.

"I don't want to talk about it…" Hawkgirl scowled, flexing her hands as if she was gripping a phantom mace.

"Same here…" Wonder Woman snapped.

"He threatened to upload the footage of the yellow Jell-O incident in the galactic holo-net unless I participated." Stewart said flatly.

"Let's just say mine involved pink kryptonite and leave it at that…" Clark flushed.

"If anyone of you find out about my blackmail, I will gladly rip the memories out of your heads…regardless of the damage inflicted." The last Martian said flatly.

"As you all know, I've trying to convince you all to participate in a D&D campaign I came up with a while ago. But since you've been actively making sure you're too busy to participate, I had to get creative. The way the game is played is simple: fill out the character sheet with the appropriate information." the redhead nodded, passing out several character sheets.

"Races? Feats? Power points? Hit points? What in Hera's name are all of these?" Wonder woman protested.

"Like I said; these are the stats you use to build your character. All you have to do is…" Wally trailed off when he saw her eyes glaze over.

"Know what? I'll just show you…" he sighed.

* * *

><p><em>Darkthatch the barbarian stomped across the barren planes of the abyss, a once fertile landscape that was now home to some of the most feared monsters in all of the West Lands…<em>

_Suddenly, a rock was dislodged from above his heads as a familiar figure slid down the nearby Cliffside._

"_What ho, Wanderer! It's been many moons since we last met!" The pale figure of Lynne Whisperwind, Elvin archer, smirked._

"_Yup." The warrior grunted._

"_I have come across a band of adventurers who require a scout and some extra muscle. Art thou willing to partake in the quest" the fair skinned woman asked._

"_Nope. Stupid." The soldier of fortune snorted._

* * *

><p>"John! You can't just refuse to take part in a quest!" Wally protested.<p>

"It's my character and I'll play how I want to…" the lantern uttered.

"And I'm the dungeon master, and I say if you don't play along, Kyle will get the password to that sealed e-mail containing the video file of you getting your emerald rear handed to you by a dessert!" the scarlet speedster replied.

The color drained from the honor guards face as he jerkily picked up his character sheet and resumed playing.

* * *

><p><em>Lynn then proceeded to knock her reluctant traveling companion over the head and drag his unwilling carcass to her friend's camp site.<em>

"_You didn't kill him, did you?" Eternal DarkSpawn the black knight asked._

"_No. She's only given him a concussion and subtracted ten hit points." Katrina White Wing the half angel healer deadpanned._

"_Um, shouldn't we wake him up so that we can get going?" Damian Patriot the paladin asked._

"_I'll take care of him…" Grimstar the Emerald, Order of the Green Heart of Mars sighed, heaving the unconscious hunter onto his shoulders._

* * *

><p><em>A short while later, the group finally arrived at their destination: the eternal labyrinth dungeon.<em>

"_Better not be unending…" Darkthatch snorted from his perch on Grimstar the Emerald, Order of the Green Heart of Mars's shoulders,_

"_How long have you been awake?" the green robed man frowned._

"_For the last ten minutes, why?" his burden replied._

_Grimstar the Emerald, Order of the Green Heart of Mars dropped the barbarian hunter on his head._

"_OOF!"_

"_There goes another five hit points…" Eternal DarkSpawn the black knight snickered._

_The Dungeon master would like to remind all of you that you have a quest to accomplish?_

"_Yeah, yeah, keep thy comments to thyself dungeon master…" the Elven archer roller her eyes as they walked past the threshold ._

_And so, with the commentary finally over and done with, the party finally made their way into the maze, and within a few minutes they encountered their first obstacle._

_BOOM!_

_A cloud s dust was suddenly kicked up, obscuring the group. When the cloud settled, Everyone was shocked to see two identical black knights._

"_What the hell?" Darkthatch the Barbarian blinked. _

_A shape shifter had placed himself among them, intent on sewing discord among their ranks._

"_What are you waiting for? Blast the imposter!" the knight on the left frowned._

"_I agree. Blow that idiot away." The right knight spat._

"_Who are you calling an idiot, idiot?" _

"_I'll give you a clue; I'm looking at him."_

"_Cute, real cute. Considering how idiotic this conversation has gotten, it's obvious who the imposter is."_

"_Agreed. This has been akin to getting into a battle of wits with someone who's unarmed." _

"_All right! That's it! I've had enough!" the knight on the left scowled, drawing his flaming gunblade._

* * *

><p>"I call bulls***! There is no way he can have that modern a weapon!" John Stewart snapped.<p>

"It's all here in my sourcebook!" Bruce smirked, holding up a thick, gold plated tome. The title read: 'Secret game breaking guide to D&D'.

* * *

><p><em>The raiding party stared at the broken and charred remains of the changeling.<em>

"_Let's…get a move on before this gets any stupider…" the she-elf moaned._

_The next hour was relatively peaceful. Other than the occasional monster, not much really happened. _

_Then the ground underneath Katrina and Darkthatch collapsed…._

_R-R-R-RUMBLE!_

… _depositing them into a lower level._

"_Are you two all right?" Patriot asked._

"_We're fine! There's got to be a way out of here. We'll meet up with you as soon as we can!" the barbarian yelled._

_With two member of their party indisposed, the remaining heroes explored the winding, twisting passages. _

"_SCREEE!" Everyone stopped in their tracks when a twenty foot tall, snake haired, one eyed monster suddenly stepped out of the shadows._

"_What the hell is that?-!" Darkthatch goggled._

_It was a Gorglops, a level five monster that haunted the ruins. And it was about to meet its match._

"_Deadly nightshade…" the black knight cast._

_A dozen glowing skulls materialized and shot at the now frightened monster like miniature fanged comets._

_**At this point, the screen goes blank, second later it's replaced by a SFW screensaver of happy kittens frolicking in a meadow. **_

_Thirty gory seconds later, the bloodied, shattered bones of the monster clattered to the ground._

"_I think you broke him…" Lynne deadpanned, looking at their paladin, who was curled up in a fetal position, sucking his thumb._

"_That's three down…" Grimstar grimaced._

* * *

><p>"Bruce, that…was a little over the top…" Wally West said weakly, glancing at Clark (who was this point slumped over in his chair, whimpering as Shayera poked him in the head).<p>

"My source book, my rules…" the dark knight grinned savagely.

* * *

><p><em>The remaining heroes trudged wearily through the maze. Taking turn after turn: Left, right, right, left center, turn after turn until time had just about lost all meaning.<em>

"_I wonder what traps our illustrious dungeon master will come up with next…" Lynne snorted._

_Unexpectedly, a rock fell from the ceiling and hit her on the head, causing her to lose five hit points._

"_OW! OK! I get it!" the elf grimaced, rubbing her sore skull._

"_Pretty L-Light!" Damian slurred, pointing at a twinkling source of illumination off in the distance._

_The remaining heroes double timed it and arrived at a massive amphitheater. Huge stone pillars lined the room. And at the end of the room was a treasure chest the size of a full grown man. It was resting on the paws of a statue of a statue of a sphinx with a curly mane and huge sharp teeth._

"_Final boss time?" Grimstar gulped._

"_Final boss time…" Darkspawn nodded grimly._

"_Big monster time?" Lynn grinned savagely, fingering her bow._

"_Big monster time." The black knight agreed._

"_Pretty kitty?" the paladin babbled._

"_I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer." The cursed knight snorted._

_The three of them inched toward the chest. The elf reached out and lifted the lid. Inside was an obscene amount of gold as well as several sets of plate armor, various weapons, and books of arcane knowledge._

"_GRRRRR!"_

_The three looked up, and saw that the statue, wasn't a statue. The Salamander sphinx gnashed it's teeth and glared down at them through milky white eyes._

_The beast innocently wiggled one of its car sized paws. _

"_MOVE!" the sword wielder bellowed._

_SCREEEEE!_

_CRACK! _

_The sound of rending stone could be heard as the displaced air from its claws carved long _

_furrows into the floor. _

_Lynn's arrows bounced off the beast's hide as DarkSpawn's gunblade belched a crimson fireball that smacked the monster right in the nose._

_KA-CRACK!_

_The monster's tongue suddenly extended over fifty feet, and smacked the black knight in the ribs, sending him tumbling into Lynne._

_The monk leaped into the air and grabbed the sphinx by the tail._

_Suddenly, its innocent looking appendage opened its eyes and revealed that it was in fact a snake's head. _

"_HISSSS!" it sneered, spitting a glob of poison at the rapidly retreating monk._

"_This! Isn't! Working!" the elf snapped, untangling herself._

"_I'll say." The monk growled as he down an antidote._

"_I think I have a spell that might…"_

_Whatever annoying dues-ex-machina the black knight was going to pull out of his butt was interrupted as the ground opened up underneath him and dropped the annoying mary-sue wanna be into a lava pool, killing him instantly. _

* * *

><p>"What the Hell was that" Bruce glared.<p>

"I think we can all agree that your character's stealing the spotlight was getting a little old. Anyone have any objections?" Wally frowned.

"NO!" the other remaining party members replied in tandem.

"Traitorous bastards, the lot of you…" the now deceased dark knight grumbled.

* * *

><p><em>Several minutes later…<em>

_THUNK!_

_BOOM!-!_

_Smoke curled and blood flowed out of the salamander sphinx's mouth as Lynn's final explosive arrow blew out its insides._

"_It's about time we managed to take that thing down…" Grimstar the Emerald, Order of the Green Heart of Mars (who really needed to think of a shorter name) panted as the monster toppled over, twitching._

"_Yeah, let's get going…." The elf uttered._

_They worked in silence as they divided up the loot and got the heck out of dodge before something else tried to kill them. _

* * *

><p>A short while after the game ended, a knock on the door drew Wally's attention. When he saw who it was on the other side, the crimson speedster smiled conspiratorially.<p>

"Can I count on you to be dungeon master at the next board room meeting? We have a potential merger contract with Powers Technology, and I'd like you to referee." Bruce Wayne asked.

It was a closely guarded secret, but ever since Bruce had taken over the company, any and all decision pertaining to the future of Wayne enterprises were decided by Dungeons and Dragons, last man standing wins.

"You can count on me. Someone had to referee, otherwise who knows what would happen." The part time professional DM grinned.

"Oh, and one more thing, what happened to Darkthatch and Katrina after they fell into the lower levels of the maze?"

"Well…" the Flash snickered.

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile, far below the ground…<em>

_Everyone would have been shocked if they saw that the missing duo lounged on plush lounge chairs, surrounded by mounds of gold._

_The barbarian warrior sighed in contentment as he was fed grapes by a scantily clad servant girl, "This is the life…"_

"_Agreed." The angelic healer replied as a loincloth wearing slave boy massaged her shoulders._

* * *

><p>"<strong>Thou…clad with the great trinity…come forth from the circle of constraint! Guardian of the Heavens!" I roar as a drop of my blood hits the magic circle under my feet.<strong>

**POW!**

**An explosion knocks me off my feet. When the smoke cleared, I see a familiar white robed figure: myself, only twenty years older.**

"**I am a servant of the Writer class. I ask of you, are you my master?" the doppelganger rumbles.**

"**Well, s**t. That can't be good…" I utter weakly. **

"**Oh, and a certain servant of Curator Class wanted me to tell you something; 'Didn't I tell you not to touch that spell book?" he added smugly.**

"**Double s**t." I amend.**


	9. Chapter 9: They went union!-?

Chapter 9: They went union?!

**Writer gawked as he stepped into my office. The room was a wreck. There were holes in the walls, my desk was reduced to splinters, and I was sitting in the corner with an ice pack on my head.**

"**What happened to you?" the servant gawked.**

"**I was attacked by Diana and her Servant, Kal-El of the Berserker class, King Arturia Pendragon and Archer Shirou Emiya, and to add icing to this all ready f***ed up cake, Zatanna apparently decided to come out of hiding to claim her own pound of flesh accompanied by Caster Giovanni Zatara." I groaned.**

"**Oh dear…" Writer gulpeded weakly.**

"**You're darn tootin' 'oh dear'! While you were off fraternizing with Curator, I barely managed to drive them off before I collapsed from overtaxing my magic circuits!" **

"**Um, in my defense we don't get much alone time on the throne of heroes…" my servant winced.**

"**Yeah, yeah, and I don't own any of the elements of this story. So roll it already before I start losing feeling in my left side again…" I mutter.**

It was another night at the Warriors Bar. Guy was handing out drinks while his fellow corpsmen (and women) brooded over the latest…developments.

"This is so humiliating…" Kyle groaned, hidden in a corner of the bar. Although he stood out like a sore thumb because of all the rings of various hues clamoring for his attention.

"_You have great rage in your heart_!" red hissed menacingly.

"_No! His heart is full of fear!" _yellow snapped.

"_Your aura…it's, like, so blue man!"_ the azure ring said faintly.

"_No! He wants it all! Just like I want him!"_ the orange jewelry would have been drooling by this point (if it had a mouth).

"_Oh! So much love in his heart! He is destined to be one with me!"_ the star sapphire ring cooed.

"_Compassion is what his soul is destined for, you gaudy piece of cheap plastic!"_ the indigo ring sniffed.

"_PLASTIC!? Why I oughta…" _

"_BACK OFF, ALL OF YOU! I WAS HERE FIRST!"_ Kyle's original ring snarled.

"Say the walking rainbow lantern…" Soranik smiled faintly.

"This has to stop. First Hal gets drummed out, and now I'm in the middle of a ring love hexagon!" the artist banged his head against the table.

"Bet you wish you could just tell the guardians where they could stuff their decrees, huh?" the bartender commented dryly.

"Guy Gardner, you brilliant son of a bitch! If you were a woman, I'd kiss you!" Kyle grinned madly as he ran out the door, his entourage of rings fallowing at his heels.

"What was that about?" the football player blinked.

"Search me." The medic shrugged.

* * *

><p>Several weeks later…<p>

It was a typical day for the Guardians of the universe, and like every day: this one started with going over the daily mission reports.

Only this time, something had changed: there were no reports to go over. Despite the fact that Green lantern Guy Gardener should have submitted one upon his return from a routine patrol. The same goes for former Alpha Lantern Boodikka, who went with a group of lanterns to put down an invasion of sector seven. These were only two examples of dozens of mission reports and various other documents that should have been downloaded the moment the Lanterns submitted them.

Ganthet looked to his fellow Guardians. Seeing their looks of consternation, he tapped the button on his console that opened a communication channel.

"Salakk! What is the meaning of this?" the only named Guardian scowled.

"You'll have to be more specific sir. Are you talking about the Pie fight in the commissary, the week long karaoke contest in the Warriors lounge, or the planet wide paint ball tournament instigated by Lantern John Stewart?" The multi armed lantern uttered.

"No, none of those are what I'm talking about! Although we will deal with the chaos at another point in time. According to our in boxes, there hasn't been sort of report, be it budget or mission, submitted in almost a week." Ganthet replied crisply.

"Ah. I'm glad you finally noticed. There's been a bit of a change to the chain of command." The emerald hologram said.

"WHAT?-! What do you mean there's been a change in the chain of command. We did not authorize this!" the brainwashed former blue lantern snarled.

"You've all been left out of the loop for a very specific reason. Lantern Kyle Rayner introduced an Earthling concept that became quite popular…"

"And what is this? And why is it interfering with Lanterns performing their regular duties?" one of the unnamed Guardians sniffed contemptuously.

"It's called a union sir. It's an organization of employees aiming for more ethical and fair treatment."

"Fair treatment? If we wanted their opinion on the matter we'd look into their tiny minds to get the information ourselves! Tell the lanterns to disperse and resume their normal duties NOW." The unnamed guardian of the universe scowled.

"I'm afraid that's not possible. Their representative is here to discuss their demands, and he's currently making faces at you from off camera. And might I add: Real mature former lantern Jordan!" the multi armed lantern droned.

"Jordan? As in Hal Jordan?" Ganthet growled.

"Yes. The Lantern who saved us all from Chrona, only for you to repay his blood sweat and tears by dishonorably discharging him. He's here to discuss, as he puts it, the terms of your unconditional surrender."

"Send him in." Ganthet smiled innocently.

The doors to the guardian's citadel opened, and in stepped the suit clad former lantern.

"We'd better make this quick. My former teammates kidnapped me in the middle of a date. And

Carol gets more than a little predatory when I disappear without warn…IIIINNNNNGGGG!

He was suddenly ejected when a green fist slammed into his face, sending him flying back the way he came.

"And stay out this time!" the brainwashed azure being sneered.

* * *

><p>It was several peaceful days later that the Guardians of the universe once again convened.<p>

"It's been too quiet for too long. I expected retaliation some time ago…" one of the unnamed female Guardians uttered.

"Indeed." Ganthet agreed, typing a quick command into his communicator.

"Yes sir?" Salakk answered

"What is the status of retuning the Lanterns to their normal duties?"

"Not well sir. The entire group and then some have formed a picket line outside the citadel."

"A picket line?" the mentally altered guardian blinked.

"Sir, you have to see it for yourselves." The hologram abruptly blinked out.

The moment all the Guardians stepped out of their fortress, their jaws collectively dropped.

Standing in front of them was the entirety of the Green lantern corp. And every last one of them were marching a circle around the Citadel, each one toting a green sign. Ganthet immediately picked several people out of the crowd. Kyle Rayner's said 'Heck no, we won't glow'. John Stewart's read 'No illumination without representation. And Guy Gardner's simply read 'MORE BOOZE'!"

Mixed in with the Greens were the entirety of the Yellow Lantern and Star Sapphire Corp. The Red and Indigos were patrolling the skies to make sure nobody did anything stupid. The Blues were busying themselves making signs. All the while, Larfleeze's minions were manning a food cart that kept the protestors fed (at highly inflated prices).

"What is the meaning of this?!" One of the Guardians screamed.

"Pretty much all the corps are in agreement that you twerps need an attitude adjustment. So until you agree to our demands, none of the Corps are active. We'll stay here parked on your doorstep until out demands are met." Hal (who was leaning against a nearby statue) said.

"Jordan. Once again you interject where you are neither needed nor wanted. Ganthet, get rid of this pest!" one of the Guardians snarled.

"…"

"Ganthet. I said to throw this pest into the vacuum and make our soldiers resume the duties!" he barked.

WHAM!

The now no longer Brainwashed guardian expressed his displeasure at his former colleague's actions in a very straightforward he: he punched the emotionless one in the nose, knocking him on his backside with a spray of blood.

"What…just happened?" Hal asked weakly.

"Oh, I just remember my last vacation on Earth during the late 1800's. I don't know how it happened, but one minute I was walking through this small mining town, and next thing I knew I got caught up in a human tide and wound up in a protest march with a sign in my hands. Everyone was so caught up in what they were doing, they didn't even notice that I wasn't human. Now someone hand me a damn sign!" the former guardian smiled toothily as he made his way over to the crowd.

He paused just long enough to grab Sayd, bend her over backwards, and kiss her. Now, mind you this was not a platonic peck on the cheek, nor was it a gentle brush of his lips on hers. This was a full blown, fully passionate, R-rated, let's go do something that will make our former colleagues blow their top type kiss. He did not let her come up for air for a very, very long time.

* * *

><p>Several weeks later…<p>

"And by signing, this document, the Guardians of the universe hereby recognize and cede control to the ROY G. BIV united Galactic 001 as the governing body of these united corps." Ganthet nodded as his former compatriots signed the parchment.

"While I don't think this is what Sayd meant when she told me to unite the corps, I don't think she can argue with the end results…" Kyle uttered dryly.

"Gee, you think? And I still say the name sounds stupid." The woman in question rolled her eyes.

"I agree with you on that point. You try getting them to agree to anything else. There's a reason I appointed Ganthet and Hal to be in charge of this loony bin! I just want to relax, take pleasure in my retirement, and enjoy the freedom a man can only feel...when he's condemned some other poor sucker to his fate." Kyle smiled knowingly.

"**While the writer recovers from his healing coma, he wanted me to tell you to check out his challenges and please read and review." Writer says apologetically.**


End file.
